They Are Out There

Two previous posts on this site concerned Rolf Harris and hedgehogs. A correspondent has asked me to write a single post about both Rolf Harris and hedgehogs. With all due respect what is there to write about? It is well known and perfectly obvious that Rolf Harris is the Australian form of hedgehog. Look at the hair. Of course the rest of Mr. Harris does not resemble a hedgehog but that is because he is the Australian form. Extreme? The Kangaroo is an Australian horse. Enough said.

It is however unfair to single out Mr. Harris in this way. Many other Australians are the native form of a creature familiar in the West. One does not have to think too hard to find other examples.

Take Nicole Kidman. Yes I know it is an old joke. Following the Rolf Harris principle the hair is the key. She is clearly an Australian Golden Retriever dog. Whatever she does with her hair it springs back into its natural long curly style and the rest of her swishes along behind. We can also add the eager eyes and the very similarly sized hands and feet. Doubtless some agent in Australia claims to have discovered Nicole Kidman. She was in fact discovered by a pioneer squatter in New South Wales in the early 1840's as one of her ancestors emerged from the bush with a stick of gum tree in its mouth. It then proceeded to chew the stick which explains the accent.

The composer Percy Grainger was Australian. He hated the mediterranean culture which gave us so much classical music and other art and preferred English and other non-European folk sources. He showed his respect for the authenticity of these by composing his own new music and presenting it as somehow ancient. He was in fact the Australian version of an American. People have often commented that President George W. Bush does not present himself as being the smartest of men. The key to understanding him lies in a television advertisement made by his father when he was President. George Bush Senior tried to encourage people to visit America by asking them to enjoy its history. That should take a good thirty seconds. Mr. Bush Senior made his request without a hint of irony and it might explain a lot if we are to think that this highly educated man really meant what he said and imparted such an outlook to his son.

Shane Warne the great cricketer has been the butt of many remarks about his physique. "Built on rather lavish lines for a newcomer" was an opinion proferred when he made his debut. Comments are also made about his extrovert and clubbable nature and his ebullient gestures. Exactly. Shane Warne is the Australian version of a beer barrel. In the West they are manufactured out of wood and metal and somesuch but in Australia they occur naturally due to the innate propensity to alcohol consumption frequently observed in even the quietest and most moderate Australians. The Warne is a prime example of the free market dictum that if there is a need for something it will naturally come into existence simply because there is a need. Warnes were originally conceived by duckbilled platypuses and washed up in rivers but now grow alongside native cork along the banks just under the waterline. Hence the bung. The cricketer is called Shane because he was discovered in an urbanised section of the Yarra River. The Melbourne skyline blocks out the light and he was found when it was momentarily bathed in what Australians pronounce as "sunshaaiin".

Which brings us to the celebrated Ms. Kylie Minogue. This lady has taken the pop charts by storm and developed a devoted following in her highly successful career. This began when she corrupted public taste by introducing Western Europe to the Australian soap opera Neighbours. It continued when she shed about seven years to become a preteen pop princess and developed through several incomprehensible metamorphoses designed to adapt her form to different monetary purposes. She now has a form where she is able to rule the world. We are inextricably led to the sad conclusion that Kylie Minogue is the Australian Antichrist. Her saving grace is that as she is the Australian form there must be a more evil form waiting somewhere else that she can only be a pale imitation of. Maybe that is why she is susceptible to very nasty human diseases. But we have been warned and would be wise not to let it stop there.

Every Australian is the antipodean version of a creature we know in the West. There are only so many creatures we can know or count. One day the Australian may slip through the net who is the Australian version of ourselves. That above others is the one we would never wish to meet. Consider our sins for a moment. Then contemplate a mutation so hideous as to be unrecognisable but which still carried the same sins. It is not without reason that Hell is regarded as lying in a downward direction from earth. Just as Australia is for the rest of civilization.