The Other Little Boys

In 1969 Mr. Rolf Harris who discovered Australia had a hit with the song "Two Little Boys". This told the sentimental tale of two boys playing with wooden horses pretending to be soldiers. One breaks his horse's head and his companion picks him up and puts him on his wooden horse. Years later the first boy is dying of wounds having been shot off his real horse during a battle and the second boy rides up and picks him up exactly as before. They remember what happened when they were little boys. As this actually happened in the real Battle of Austerlitz the song should be in the public domain rather than being covered by creative copyright but unfortunately the law sees it differently so you will have to look up the exact words yourself.

Nowadays we are warned against stereotyped gender portrayals of this nature. Boys should not automatically be assumed to play at soldiers simply because they are boys. Nor should they get involved in military actions without reference to the United Nations or whoever the opinion formers think will be on their side that particular week. In order to protect Mr. Harris from accusations of political incorrectness I am recording here the stories of other boys who were also involved in the battle and do not fit the stereotype which has corrupted so many impressionable minds for so long.

Amongst the ranks of the officers on the French side in this battle against Austria and Russia were two little boys from neighbouring aristocratic families who eventually made their peace with the Republic. French aristocrats were expected to have a grounding in music and so they were both given little harpsichords as children. These worked just like real ones but were half the size and had the white keys painted on. One day they were playing a difficult motet together and the younger boy started crying because he could not play it using only black keys. His playmate showed him the special technique children use in such instances and said that when they were grown up they would play real harpsichords. Sure enough the Napoleonic Wars started and the two little boys were officers in the Imperial Harpsichord Regiment. Both played delicate French chamber music at the enemy only for the younger one to be outplayed by one of the technically superior Austrian harpsichordists with quicker fingering and more sensitive tone. As he staggered away from his instrument his fellow officer came to his rescue by courageously extending his harpsichord seat under a bombardment of semiquavers so they could play together. The older officer had a harpsichord able to produce a full range of microtones thus enabling them to slip between the enemy notes and away to join the bassoon section.

Two other little boys at the battle had once been neighbours in a Jewish ghetto in Russian Lithuania. Every day they would play at being barbers like their dads. One day one of them accidentally killed an older boy with his plastic cut throat razor. His friend rescued him by saying he had done it and persuading his father to make a large donation to the synagogue and thus ensure continuous community protection from any possible reprisals. Many years later at the Battle of Austerlitz this same barber accidentally slit the throat of one of the soldiers. His friend rescued him by claiming responsibility and gaining a dishonourable discharge. The first barber was sent to the front line armed with a bayonet so he could use his skills on the French whilst the first escaped from his captors on the way home and settled in Poland where his descendants began to manufacture the first Polish blood transfusion equipment to cover both ends of the business.

But we must not forget the story of two Austrian boys in the battle. They would play at serenading customers in Vienna cafes. One day one of them discovered his voice had broken. He was distraught until his companion said that he could use his. Inspired by this both boys used the same voice and continued doing so when the second boy broke his voice and the first had gained a new one. During the battle the two boys were employed as singing waiters who fed and entertained the soldiers who had finished their maximum two hour shifts permitted by Health and Safety. The first lost his voice again due to the number of orders being placed by the soldiers. Quick as a flash the second simply doubled up the quantity of his own orders to make up the shortfall. The boy with the lost voice could thus use the amount of food ordered to demonstrate that he had continued to do his duty and was consequently saved from certain execution. This story explains why the military record states that some of the Austrian soldiers died of starvation during the Battle of Austerlitz and others were listed as Missing in Action having drowned in Black Forest Gateau.

Boys are not simply soldiers. Two little boys had two little harpsichords and little cut throat razors and little singing voices as well as wooden horses. Surely it is time for the estimable Mr. Harris to sing about these boys too? We live in a more enlightened age. There is room for us all unless you disagree with whoever makes these ridiculous rules without having to answer to anyone.