Man Versus History

It has often been said that no one remembers who came second. There are a multitude of examples of this. The first example of something goes down in history. The second example has in many cases been completely forgotten.

In an effort to correct this I have conducted extensive research into the second occurences of things we all know about. Here are some of the second places you will not otherwise find in the history books.

We all know that the first demonstration of an airplane flight (to use American parlance) was performed by Orville and Wilbur Wright at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina in 19o3. What is often forgotten is the sequel to this historic event. Many media persons attended the demonstration of flight and their reports were flashed around America by wireless telegraphy. They reached the ears of President Theodore Roosevelt. He was so impressed by the seminal achievement he telegraphed his personal congratulations which reached the Wright Brothers by the end of the day. He then sent a pilot in Air Force One to bring them to Washington so he could congratulate them in person.

A great issue in the United Kingdom was the Corn Laws. These were in force from 1815 to 1846 and effectively subsidised the price of wheat to the benefit of landowners at the expense of everyone else. Their abolition was a key turning point in British history. What has been forgotten however is that a second set of Corn Laws was introduced as recently as 1980. These were a series of agreements between theatre bosses and television executives and were aimed at curbing the activities of a certain Bob Monkhouse whose excruciatingly corny jokes had caused a number of nervous disorders. These laws have never been repealed despite the defiant reappearances of Monkhouse and have been highly successful in reducing the power of bad comedians to hold the sensibilities of audiences to ransom with impunity. It is a well known fact that the notorious Des O'Connor presents TV shows as part of the day release programme of his open prison in Sussex.

The first Postage Stamp was the legendary Penny Black introduced in 1840 in response to a paper by Rowland Hill. These bore the imprint of Queen Victoria and are enormously valuable today. Even more valuable however is the second postage stamp. Having seen his ideas appropriated by the government without being offered a pay rise Rowland Hill began producing his own stamps in the back bedroom of his house near the London Central Cattery. These were circular in design with a picture of Rowland Hill on them and bore the legend "Buy Real Stamps And Stamp Out State Oppression". The income thus raised went to a Stamp Workers Co-operative he had established in Limehouse. Mr. Hill was eventually reconciled with the state and became an eminently conventional Victorian. He consequently tried to recall all the Rowland Hill stamps he could find but a few still exist in private hands. They are particularly prized by Marxist collectors and the International Che Guevara Appreciation Society based in Bournemouth is rumoured to hold the largest collection in existence.

The first television broadcast was of course made by its inventor John Logie Baird in 1926. Yes he did invent it. The second broadcast is now forgotten but was also made by Baird. It was sent to the suppliers of the raw materials he had used in developing his equipment. According to recently declassified papers these suppliers had agreed to pay Baird's expenses in conducting the first transmission. The second transmission consisted of a supersized image of Baird's head saying "Can I have my money please?" The plea was probably unsuccessful not least because there was no sound transmission at the time but a copy of the transmission is still believed to exist at the Museum of the Moving Image in London. As some of Baird's suppliers still exist and have existing contracts with the British government this would explain their reluctance to show this historic second broadcast to a modern audience.

There are of course several other examples. The first British female Member of Parliament was Countess Markievicz who was elected in 1918 representing Sinn Fein. The second was the parrot elected in place of Countess Markievicz when she refused as a Sinn Feiner to take her seat. The first safety tractor was developed by Harry Ferguson. The second was a Hungarian invention called the Novak which was absolutely safe to operate as it did not actually move. The first man to become World Heavyweight Boxing Champion three times was the immortal Muhammad Ali. Only the most dedicated observer of the boxing scene can name the second. Pink Davis Crackery from Orange County California achieved the feat in 1994. He won and then regained the heavyweight title of the World Within A Five Mile Radius of Wyoming Boxing and Advanced Needlework Federation and then added the belt of the World Second Division of the Columbus Public School System League Boxing Alliance. He held both of these belts until at the age of 47 he lost his attempt to unify these titles with that of the World Of Leather International Online Customers Boxing Council when suffering a third round stoppage at the hands of Jeff "Baby Face" Lockjaw at the Maximus Pompous Bowling Lanes Incorporated Wholesale Florists Suppliers Building in downtown Ceiling Tile City, New Mexico.

Why should we care about these second places? Because most of us are not the first to do anything. Those who come second represent us all. The first one after the first one is the most that the majority of the population can aspire to be. Truly there can be no finer role models than those who come second and for this reason they should be universally celebrated.