The Future Of Publishing Is Now

Some years ago Alan Coren got into trouble for writing a book called Golfing For Cats which had a swastika on the front. He had heard that books on golf, cats and Hitler were the three biggest sellers so he included all three on the cover. Unfortunately his customers did not see the funny side of a book with this title which contained nothing about any of them. They involved solicitors. His next book had a title relevant to the content and he explained why in the introduction.

Nowadays the world seems obsessed with cooking. Chefs have become media celebrities and there are cookery programmes on TV everywhere you turn. Sooner or later this will run its course and there will be no more recipes people want. There will be no more chefs on TV. There will only be actors or comedians showing us the same recipes as entertainment with no attempt to impart knowledge or improve people's lives.

Of course when that happens the present huge market for cookery books will diminish considerably. The only way to attract attention by writing about cookery will be to include the recipes no one else will dare print or publish. This column is my first attempt to cash in when that day comes. When the bandwagon begins to roll I will have already claimed the copyright by writing this column today. Here are two of my favourite dishes from my almost kitchen. I can personally guarantee that they are reproducable by even the most undistinguished of domestic culinarists.

BOILED BABY

Serves: 1 - 5 depending on size of baby.

Ingredients: Water, oil, baby.
Utensils: Large pot and small petrie dish.

Method:

1) Catch your baby. They are generally available in supermarkets being pushed around by distracted parents who wish they had never had them in the first place. Poaching is often effective and unlikely to be reported but discount purchases can frequently be made if the baby is making a noise at time of purchase.

2) Heat water in large pot.

3) At regular five minute intervals remove a portion of the water with the petrie dish. Measure tolerance level of baby to hot water by dripping water from petrie dish onto baby. Repeat process until baby flinches.

4) Dip elbow into water. Continue to heat water until elbow indicates it is sufficiently hot.

5) Baste baby in oil speading evenly.

6) Place baby in pot. At this point water will be approximately twice the heat of tolerance level of baby previously measured.

7) Place hand in water and pour handfuls over baby. Continue until baby turns bright red and stops squealing.

8) Remove baby from pot and attempt to revive. When this fails garnish with parsley and onions and serve to taste. Obtain similar baby as in point 1 to assuage suspicion.

9) Deflect comments and police investigatioons by pointing out that you simply bathed the baby according to time and trusted methods as your supposed parents did before you.

10) Change name and location if necessary.

SCOTTISH TOAST

Serves: any number but generally one as no one else will be invited to eat at your expense.

Ingredients: Ryvita or similar wafer concoction. Small quantity of vegetable oil. 1 quart whisky. 1 quart Irnbru.
Utensils: Cheap liquid filled cigarette lighter. Copious numbers of glasses, mugs etcetera.

Method:

1) Take slice of ryvita and cut into tiny portions.

2) Burn each portion evenly on one side with cigarette lighter for five seconds each.

3) Dip one corner of portion into vegetable oil as required.

4) Eat portions taking care not to consume more than one portion per quarter hour.

5) Wash down with one measure of whisky per portion.

6) When all is consumed drink amount of irnbru corresponding exactly to amount of whisky consumed.

7) Congratulate self on feeding oneself in the most economical way.

8) Congratulate self on feeding oneself sufficiently to absorb alcohol intake without diminshing taste or effect of alcohol.

9) Congratulate self on disguising taste and effect of alcohol with irnbru and absorbing excess fluid in bladder by same method.

10) Present oneself to returning spouse fed, sober, justified and not suspiciously inconvenienced by any of the above.

Find these recipes elsewhere if you will. This is the way forward. Doubtless I will be derided like any other visionary. My day will come. Whether that day is also your day depends on how much you are willing to listen.