The Day Of The Scriptivores

A few years ago I was talking to a Scottish lady in Cambridge. We conversed about nothing in particular. Suddenly she made the significant statement that since she had been in England she had not seen a single hedgehog.

This lady is one of those who claims to be many years older than her appearance would suggest. Her interest in hedgehogs reflects this. She automatically assumed that when she turned a certain age all the hedgehogs would come out to welcome her. As she is not really that old they stayed at home. She was still trying to convince herself as well as everyone else that she was considerably older than her years and blaming the hedgehogs for not being willing to lie.

We have developed a whole culture of anniversaries. In itself each one is just a date and a number. But we have invested each one with a particular significance. The first anniversary is the Paper anniversary. The Queen celebrated her Golden Jubilee after fifty years on the throne. There is a whole list of objects attached to the numbers of years we have done things. The anniversary would still exist without the object but we feel some innate need to express dates by objects. I have yet to see any celebration described as the Hedgehog Anniversary. Maybe it is a uniquely Scottish thing. Or maybe there is a symbiotic relationship between numbers and the natural world in which one automatically responds to the other.

How many legs does a hedgehog have? I confess my ignorance but it is not a unique number. How many spines on its back? Is there a mean average figure or does it vary too much to be calculated? Is there some sort of legend about hedgehogs which associates them with a particular number as with the 3 Blind Mice or the 101 Dalmatians? The lady concerned was claiming to be nearly forty. Are there 39 hedgehogs in the average brood or whatever the collective noun is? Whatever the correct number for hedgehogs is it was considered part of the natural order for hedgehogs to appear to celebrate that particular anniversary. It was not simply stated that this was the hedgehog anniversary and therefore the occasion for a card with a picture of a hedgehog on it. Hedgehogs themselves were supposed to know what number they represented and behave accordingly. Presumably gold was supposed to come out of the ground on its own wherever the Queen went in 2002 although it certainly did not do so the one time I saw her during that year.

Why is this such an issue? Because I am writing this post on July 8th 2006. Tomorrow I turn 44. What sort of anniversary is this? There are apparently two different lists. In the traditional list there is no association of the 44th anniversary with an object. In modern times however it is known as the Groceries Anniversary. We are surrounded by groceries all the time. Are they supposed to start leaping off supermarket shelves in my direction tomorrow morning? Or does the absence of hedgehogs from either list imply that there is a secret third list of anniversary associations which occur naturally rather than through the dictates of man?

I am reluctant to blame hedgehogs for anything. But if they are supposed to welcome people who turn 39 because they have some particular association with that number something must be ready to welcome me when I turn 44. It is after all my real age. What can I expect? All I have to go on is the shape of the numbers themselves. Very big heads with small legs and tails. I fully expect to be assaulted by a Waffle of Literary Critics when I venture out of the house tomorrow morning. At least I can keep them at bay by giving them a column to read.