At Last!

There are many very clever and very serious people discussing the world's problems. They keep on discussing them because their discussions never reach any worthwhile conclusions. Of course circumstances change as soon as you have discussed them. But surely there are basic principles of good which can be applied in order to resolve the consequences of bad?

Those who discuss problems should instead be discussing solutions. There has always been one major obstacle to this however. Diplomatic discussions always take place in the international language of English. In the English speaking world the concept of 'solution' means very different things to different people. To the British person it means 'set an exam or form a committee'. To the American it means 'invade'. To the Canadian it means 'stop thinking we are the same as Americans'. To the Australian it means 'who cares mate?' To the New Zealander it means 'who cares sir?' To the Asian or African it means 'something someone else has'. To the South African it means 'why are you always saying we have problems?' To the African-Caribbean it means
'tomorrow'.

As no one else is doing it someone has to solve all the world's problems. So I have taken it upon myself to do so. Here is the list of the solutions to all the world's problems. Never let it be said that this ultra serious column has failed to provide a public service.

THE LIST OF SOLUTIONS

1) Allow it to grow by 5% per year for three years then apply retrospective tax benefits.

2) Yes but only on Wednesdays.

3) Reclassify it as a fish.

4) Do it again backwards.

5) It should be a different colour.

6) Establish a no class postal system.

7) It appears in Dr. Johnson's Dictionary.

8) Bronstein suggested something similar in the 1950's.

9) It is written in Welsh.

10) No.

If you apply these solutions to all the world's problems you will resolve them. The only question then remaining is exactly how they should be applied. Here therefore is this list.

HOW TO APPLY THE ABOVE SOLUTIONS

1) Well.

2) Badly.

3) As soon as possible.

4) After someone else has raised objection to it.

5) By you.

6) By me.

7) By someone we do not like.

8) By drawing up a timetable.

9) By shooting it.

10) The same way we usually do.

Ridiculous? Try it. Go out and solve the world's problems exactly in this way and then come back and tell me it does not work. After all the only way you will be able to demonstrate my solutions and their method of implementation are incorrect is if you can demonstrate you have followed them to the letter and have done this hard enough for long enough. It is obvious that any problem only exists to give serious people something to discuss. For centuries wise men have stated that we should live things rather than talk about them. If you think my ideas are so stupid go and do likewise.