They Will Return

Not so long ago British society was dominated by one object. The Oxo Cube. This all-pervading condiment was so important to everyone that a building in the centre of London was named the Oxo Tower in its honour. Now however they have practically disappeared from our tables. How has it come to this?

The first Oxo Cubes were discovered in Kenya by British explorers in 1847. They grow at the base of trees and were initially thought to be a form of African truffle. When the explorers removed the silver coloured peel and tasted them they threw them away in disgust. It was not until 1910 that a group of settlers realised that they could be used to make soup. The first Cube farms were established at that time in otherwise undeveloped areas of hinterland and soon the huge deposits of unexploited Cubes were being systematically decimated by specially designed machines known as Nodding Zebu. Several food entrepreneurs grew rich on the export of Oxo Cubes and moved into other areas. Orm Jacobs built his initial wealth with Oxos before achieving even greater success with the biscuits he designed for a special event at his Nairobi gentleman's club. Similarly Jebediah Hazeltine used his Oxo wealth to build a factory to make the drink he brewed for some fellow devotees of Surrey cricket on a cold Spring day which was jokingly named "Ovaltine" after the Surrey ground.

The British immediately adopted Oxo Cubes as friends. They were never absent from a British kitchen cupboard and were invited to stay at the finest country houses. A legend grew up that "Oxo" was the Swahili word for "Royal" whereas it is actually the Gikuyu word for "dung". In time they became as much a symbol of Britishness as fish and chips and coming second in everything. People without Oxo Cubes were considered stupid. The vegetarian movement took a very long time to take root in the U.K. because its members eschewed the Oxo Cube. They were considered mentally ill and several open vegetarians were confined to Broadmoor. The career of popular pianist Cyril Smith never recovered from the revelation that he did not own an Oxo Cube and even Gracie Fields lost her position as the nation's sweetheart after she moved to America to avoid charges of gross culinary indecency arising from her failure to serve Oxo Cubes with the black pudding at a dinner party attended by Kim Philby in Dalston in 1938.

Of course after a while the Oxos got tired of being taken for granted. They formed their own union and threatened to withdraw their labour unless their preferred social policies were implemented. After the Second World War these tactics were particularly successful. Austerity strapped Britain had tightened its belts far enough without losing this staple of its diet. The Ground Nut Scandal of the Attlee years was the result of a concerted campaign by Oxos to destroy monkey nut crops which infringed on their domains. Exports from the African colonies were frequently disrupted by armed Oxos taking the bolts of lorry wheels hostage and various exotic imports vanished from the supermarket shelves when Oxos blacklisted homes which allowed them in their kitchens. The feud with Bisto was particularly fierce. The laissez-faire attitude of the gravy supplement contrasted starkly with the rabid protectionism of the Cubes. It is no coincidence that none of the original Bisto Kids lived beyond the age of thirty and were found either suffocated, strangled or addicted to Brasso. Official documents reveal that Oxo Cubes infiltrated the highest places and precipated the Suez Crisis by ordering Anthony Eden to invade Egypt to prevent lentils arriving in the U.K. The nation has never given Eden the recognition he deserves for facing down this threat by living entirely off brown ale as a substitute. Of course ordinary citizens did not have the power to resist Oxos and their domination was well-nigh total. This is why kitchen cupboards everywhere began collapsing when the phrase "Go To Work On An Egg" was coined by Fay Weldon. The cupboards shook themselves to bits because the Cubes inside them were laughing so much. They knew that whatever eggs might try to claim nothing ever moved in the U.K. without the approval of Oxos.

Their downfall began when Bovril invented a rival condiment called simply Cubes promoted by the popular Terry Wogan. The rival did not last long after Wogan ceased bankrolling it when Oxo Cubes dropped into his coffee and stuck his records to the turntable. Nevertheless the incident demonstrated that Oxo Cubes were afraid of direct competition. The Oxos which had once laughed at the eggs could no longer simply dismiss a challenge. Sensing blood Bovril hit back with what they flagrantly called "Chicken Oxo". These were not genuine Oxo Cubes distributed by their company. They were deviant imitations produced by Bovril to show the world how frightened the once mighty original Oxos had become. The production run of Chicken Oxo was supposed to be a one off but the Trade Unions in the Bovril-worshipping West Midlands took up their cause and their use became a condition of Union membership. Bovril carried on producing the Chicken Oxo sneer and original Oxos became ever more desperate to cling onto power. Indeed they even developed a serrated edge on their peel through selective breeding. The public was taken in by the deception and thought that they were still in the Oxo camp if they used the chicken version. Then the originals lost all public sympathy by resorting to terrorism such as sabotaging gas and electric supplies and massively increasing the bills. Soon there was not an Oxo to be found. The Conservative free market economics had flooded the market with so many better alternatives that the Cubes could no longer compete and occupied a smaller and smaller portion of the shelves. Their power was broken. Back they went to Kenya as companies secretly owned by Bovril chased them out and filled the shelves with glossy alternatives seized upon by the status-hungry yuppies of the time.

The Oxos are still alive and well. Belatedly the native Kenyans have begun cultivating them and three have held cabinet positions in that country. That is the reason no government there sees anything wrong with corruption. They boast every day about making a comeback in the U.K. and are believed to be sponsoring the U.K. Independence Party. But for now they are a distant memory here. The Britain of today is not the one they once ruled. We are used to choice now. It will be many generations before the Oxos come to terms with present realities and can dominate our society again.

The only hope for the Oxo lies in history. Although they were discovered by the West in 1847 they existed long before then and must have formed part of British overseas trade with countries who also traded with Africa. One such country was Portugal. In the wrecks of mediaeval Portuguese ships fossilised Oxo peel has been discovered. Apparently the Cubes were stowing away seeking better lives in Europe. A few must have made it to England in the holds of Portuguese ships and it is not inconceivable that they had made their mark on our history long before the twentieth century. We read that King John died after eating "peaches and beer". If he did he was the only person ever to do so. Given their previous record it would be no great surprise if the "beer" was actually an Oxo Cube in water. If such a thing could be proven it is possible that the Oxo Cubes could once again achieve culinary pre-eminence. King John had few fans. Neither do most Prime Ministers after a short time. The present Labour Party feuding presents an ideal opportunity for the forgotten Oxos to once again find a powerful niche in the Kingdom they ruled for so long.