The Reason We Bother

One of the more distressing aspects of the modern world is the painful attempts by short people to try and justify their existence. No one has ever demonstrated that short people actually contribute anything to society. They are nearer the ground because they are designed to grovel to their genetic superiors and do all the menial tasks that are far beneath those who are closer to God.

It is now emerging however that there is some basis for the claim that short people fulfil a positive function. The notion is still hard to swallow for those of us who have to endure train carriages crowded with short people and are told we have to stand up when some of them are sitting down. Nevertheless in the interests of the Corinthian ideals of fairness and justice which tall people personify it is only proper to present the facts.

Our world is dominated by computers. These were developed by geeks at universities dreaming of new means of communication. Or so we were led to believe. Their critics used to mock them by saying that the early computers were in fact run by rabbits on treadmills chasing carrots and produced paper tape with holes punched in it by a little old man sitting at a desk. These ideas have now been dismissed as devices which are patently all electronic have been installed in every office and many homes. The question no one has answered is how we got to this stage. Computers did not develop on their own as they are incredibly stupid creatures despite having minds of their own. In order to develop the computer funding was needed and in order to get the funding working models needed to be produced. New financial declaration laws reveal that the penniless computer pioneers who are now multimillionaires spent enormous sums of money at pet shops and greengrocers when they had none to spare. Police records of the time also reveal that a number of elderly gentlemen went missing around the same time in the same locations as the pet shops and greengrocers where all this money was spent. All of them were under five foot four in height and indeed would have to have been to fit inside the mainframes of the earliest model computers. Draw your own conclusions. The little old man has every right to feel aggrieved that the subsequent development of computers has closed off the one avenue of employment and usefulness that he actually helped to create.

Man has always been fascinated by secret objects. Marcel Duchamp once created a work called Hidden Noise consisting of a ball of string held in place by two metal plates and four bolts. Inside the ball of string is an unknown object which makes a noise when you rattle it. Of course everyone wants to rattle it and that is the point Duchamp was making. The point is enhanced even further by the fact that no one knows what the object inside is. It is therefore all the more surprising that no one has bothered to ask until now why opera singers are so fat. Classical singers have always explained that to produce power and tone they need to be large. The gift of a singing voice is held in such reverence that no one wants to contradict those who have one. Yet not all opera singers are fat and the thin ones like Carreras are no less competent than those the size of Pavarotti. All singers know that smaller voices are sweeter and that there is a loss of lyric quality the more power you apply. The bellowing of fat opera singers would sound exactly that if it were not for the little people inside them producing the original notes. The vast bulk which projects this sound then comes into its own. Of course the short singers inside will never be credited but that is exactly as it should be. If the short receive any sort of recognition at the expense of the tall civilized society would collapse overnight and with it everything that right thinking people have every right to hold dear.

What else have short people done for us? Search the rolls of university degree courses. Indeed you can search the lists of any sort of educational courses. There are many art and design courses and many qualifications and professional titles which result from these. Nowhere is there a qualification or professional title of 'Speed Bump Designer'. Speed bump design is not an ancient trade whose mysteries are handed down through generations like dry stone walling. It is a modern phenomenon resulting from the increased speed and quantity of urban traffic. Only within the last generation has anyone designed speed bumps. But who does so? There are courses for even more recent professions like Gameboy Engineer or Living In Sin Guidance Counsellors. But there are no professional speed bump designers. Strangely enough the main locations of speed bumps are outside old people's homes. Now we know why the number of residents suddenly decreases when there are roadworks going on. No one will publicly admit that more troublesome residents are being periodically covered in concrete and soaked in tar. But it explains why every old people's home is registered as having several more beds than it has residents. Take a look at the community charge registers of your local authority if you do not believe this. A tall person is not tall enough to stretch two car widths along the road but two short people cover the full distance. The evidence is incontrovertible.

Of course if tall people wanted to sit inside computers punching paper tape or squat inside opera singers producing their notes or lie across roads and form speed bumps they could do so to a higher standard than short people. Such actions are however beneath our dignity. The fact that we have dignity and have every reason to have it is the reason short people were put on this earth. We can now see that in their place they do have some small uses. But the fact that they have a place is yet another confirmation of the essential superiority of the tall person. Why do other authors not say this? Because we have no actual need to justify ourselves. Short authors will go to extraordinary lengths to try and prove an argument. We merely exist and that is more than good enough for all you midgos out there who would not know a civilized value if it hit you in the face.