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The Rest Of You Are Mad: Explanation Of Inferiority

The Rest Of You Are Mad

Some unkind souls call this a humorous column. It does in fact demonstrate that I am the only sane person on earth and everyone else has something seriously wrong with them. I am afraid I cannot reply to comments by letter as we are not allowed sharp objects in here.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Explanation Of Inferiority

English speakers the world over are familiar with the Australian ditty "Waltzing Matilda". This catchy little song is both admired and disliked. It is admired because it sounds nice and seems to express the soul of a nation. It is disliked because few people outside Australia can understand the words. It is not fair for a song to hook you and then leave you unable to join in with it.

There have been various translations attempted. Most of these come from Australians themselves. They are therefore Australian explanations based on Australian opinions. These interpretations of this quasi-mystical text can never have the authority of those of someone born in the Mother Country who speaks the correct version of the language and the linguistic Aston Villa that is the Brummie language to boot. Here therefore for the first time is a translation of Waltzing Matilda which will enable real English speakers to learn and relate to the words as we will then understand what we are singing about.

"Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong." As we all know thieves walk around in hooped shirts carrying their loot in large bags marked "Swag". A swagman is an habitual thief and he is jolly because he is unrepentant and has no conscience whatsoever. He is here presented as the archetypal member of the nation which once stole The Ashes and the America's Cup and many other things from their rightful owners. A billabong is a primitive advertising device. The billboard had yet to arrive in Australia when Banjo Paterson wrote the original version of the song. A billabong is both a gong which is struck to attract attention to someone reading out an advertisement and the person who stands in the middle of the street doing these things.

"Under the shade of a Coolabah tree". The Coolabah was invented in New South Wales by Bruce Awkward-Ness in 1887 as a means of cooling off sheep who had wandered around the hot and dusty ground all day. These were stackable trays with squirting taps at the top and receses for the sheep to run through at the bottom. A coolabah tree was a collection of them stacked one on top of the other which was a form of abuse practiced by urban Australians on their country cousins. "And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled/Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?" Billy was the Australian term at the time for a male genital as they considered this more familiar than the English "Willy". Why his billy was boiling must remain a matter of conjecture. Matilda is a reference to the Matilda who claimed the throne of England during the time of King Stephen. This was an act of open rebellion as was setting up an alternative court at Bristol which was celebrated with riotous conduct by her supporters. By "waltzing Matilda" one is supporting and celebrating the colonial rebellion against English rule which resulted in the establishment of a separate government. The effect of this was later seen when that government declared a national holiday to celebrate a horse race but that is another story.

"Down come a jumbuck to drink at the water hole/Up jumped a swagman and grabbed him in glee". Jumbuck is the Australian pronounciation of Jam Butt or more usually Jam Buttie. These sandwiches which remain motionless in England walk on their own in Australia due to the number of ants and flies in the country which automatically stick to and carry off all sweet foodstuffs. The water hole is a lavatory down which most Australian bread is usually thrown. "In glee" refers to the Glee Club i.e. the swagman was singing when he grabbed the sandwich. "And he sang as he stowed him away in his tucker bag/You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me". It is easy to see why the walking Aussie sandwich would join the swagman in celebration of colonial rebellion but the tucker bag remains a mystery to most. This is because tuckerbag is actually one word which was separated by printer error in the original publication of the song. It refers to a large cape also used by men whilst waltzing in fancy establishments. It was initially developed as a means of hiding away ugly looking Sheilas before your mates saw them with you and was adopted as a fashion item purely to disguise its true purpose from the ugly Sheila most upper crust Australians usually ended up going to dances with.

"Up rode the Squatter a-riding his thoroughbred/Up rode the Trooper - one, two, three". The Squatter does not refer to a person who has claimed a plot of land by sitting on it as Australians claim but to an Australian government functionary whose mere existence like that of his colonial government was then recognised as a temporary aberration. The Trooper as we all know is someone who swears a lot and the numbers are the swear words he utters to the swagman as he is implying that the swagman himself is someone who would use numbers. The swagman is to infer that the Trooper is accusing him of being able to count and therefore being English. "Where's that jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?/You'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me". This is a reconciliation as he is inviting the swagman to a bigger celebration of Australian identity elsewhere.

"But the swagman he up and jumped in the water hole/Drowning himself by the Coolabah tree". It is impossible to drown oneself in an English lavatory but quite common in Australia. This is because Australian lavatories have to be many times larger due to the infiniftely greater fondness for alcohol amongst Australians and the inevitable consequences. "And his ghost may be heard as it sings in the billabong/Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?" Clearly it is unfeasible to sing inside the gong of the billabong. The singing refers to the noise the loot which is in the swagman's swag bag makes as it goes together with him down the lavatory pipe. Under water it sounds like a gong banging and therefore as if the swagman is singing inside the gong. The last line demonstrates that he remains defiantly Australian but in the end is beaten. He has gone down the lavatory and soon all those who claim that it is good to be Australian will go the same way.

Like the equally famous Yorkshire song "On Ilkley Moor Bah' Tat" Waltzing Matilda has a sad and severe edge to it when it is translated. An edge which would explain why Australians have always tried to hide its true meaning. It does indeed express the soul of the nation. It is only a pity that it is not the soul of the Russian nation which never ceases to be mournful and miserable. There it would find a better home. Or would it? To claim to have Australian nationality is to claim to be something you are not as you are merely a transported crook from another nationality. The end of that elaborate trick is as sad as what Australians really are. Maybe the song is a doubly appropriate reflection of the nature of its original singers.

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