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Professor Richard Bachmer Turner was born about forty years before you were. He was born in a North American city which is small enough to be credible but not so small that everyone from that place would have heard of him. Hamilton or Winnipeg are good bets as are Milwaukee or Newark on the other side of the border. He came from a family of well respected members of the profession you wish to enter who had risen to universal respect and prominence by overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds. His parents were similar to your own but their virtues were those you wish your parents had and their vices those you want to believe your parents have. In each case they were much more exaggerated than those of your own parents.

Professor Bachmer Turner attended the best known of the most distinguished local schools and although outstanding in every way only passed his examinations at the second or third attempt. Despite this apparent inaptitude for academia he was accepted as a student at a college your lecturers have heard of but not attended. Although no one recognised his true abilities he surprised everyone by graduating with the highest degree available in a subject fundamentally the same as your own but with a different title. He remained in the academic world and his subsequent teaching career brought him Associate Professorships at several smaller but heard of North American universities. He also undertook the occasional visiting professorship in the U.K. at other universities your lecturers did not attend at that particular time. He is usually thought to be dead but there is a possibility he might be living in semi-retirement or working for the U.S. or Canadian governments as an advisor in his field of study. He is known to have undertaken several similar assignments over the years but for reasons of national security no one has ever been made privy to the full details.

Professor Bachmer Turner was a prolific author of works which are not widely read. They are characterised by the broadness of their concepts and their opinionated but non-committal nature. Chief among his works is The Second Principle published around thirty years ago in which he expresses many ideas familiar to modern students. This was followed by The Third Principle in which he gives a deeper level of analysis to the questions he himself raised in The Second Principle. His other works include Truth and Fluctuation in which he both confirms and demolishes any idea that can be discussed and Maybe It Is in which he demonstrates conclusively that a proposition under discussion is either correct or incorrect simply because he says so. Naturally all of these works are now out of print and never appeared in a publisher's catalogue. Extensive quotations can however be found by the few students serious enough about their subject and sufficiently respectful of their lecturers to set about digging them out.

Professor Bachmer Turner was a deeply misunderstood man. His work is not widely respected because it can be used to prove or disprove anything at all and has indeed been used for this purpose. Such a superficial understanding of his genius however is fatally misleading. Professor Bachmer Turner's greatest achievement lies in creating a reasoning framework accessible to any student which enables them to convey their own ideas with clarity and conviction. Whereas other academics simply give you their own reasoned analysis Professor Bachmer Turner raises the opinions of his readers to the same level as any other and renders them equally important. Academics often feel threatened by this and consequently their opinion of Professor Bachmer Turner is often negative. He is however loved by students and his legacy continues to inform their work to this day. Indeed he was in every respect a defender of students against academics, parents, police and each other and was often seen around his university wearing the clothes you like to wear listening to your favourite music on his state of the art personal sound system. He also advocated free courses for all with all educational expenses to be paid for by everyone the student does not happen to like.

Is any of the above true? Of course. For several generations students have been quoting the works of Professor Richard Bachmer Turner in their essays. Ignorant lecturers have come to believe that by using this name the student is trying to pass off an unsubstantiated opinion of their own as the respected opinion of a distinguished academic. It is time to set the record straight.