website promotion
The Rest Of You Are Mad: Why Red Is Violent

The Rest Of You Are Mad

Some unkind souls call this a humorous column. It does in fact demonstrate that I am the only sane person on earth and everyone else has something seriously wrong with them. I am afraid I cannot reply to comments by letter as we are not allowed sharp objects in here.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Why Red Is Violent

Several U.K. towns are known for their association with acts of war. Hastings and Evesham are known for their battles and Roxburgh and Hereford for their sieges. In our more peaceful times these towns now promote themselves as places of historical interest on the basis of this association. Those interested can compile lists of battlefields and siege sites to visit and transport themselves to the world of their ancestors.

Few people would include the sleepy town of Market Drayton on that list. The town does have military connections as it is the birthplace of Clive of India. Yet it is not known for having seen action itself. There have in fact been two sieges of Market Drayton and one is going on right now. People are not aware of them because too many vested interests are too embarrassed to admit what has been fought over in that town.

Market Drayton has one famous product apart from Clive of India. It is the home of gingerbread. Most English people eat this confection and are happy to admit their appreciation of its taste and culture. Those same English people are however terrified of associating it with people. Everyone has had hair at one time and this hair is some sort of colour. Every colour bar one passes unnoticed. Yet if a person has hair the same colour as gingerbread it arouses deep animosity for reasons no one seems to know. There is a whole lexicon of abusive terms for ginger people which does not exist for any other colour of hair. To be ginger is to bear a mark of distinction so great that a range of irrational fears grips the less tonsorially gifted.

The first recorded usage of any of these abusive terms was in 1204. In this dark Plantagenet age we read of the "rowset playgue" spreading across the land. For centuries this was thought to refer to the Black Death until it was realised that "rowset" is a variant of "russet". Those with ginger hair were seen as some sort of sorcerors who could change their hair from a natural colour by magic. One day a ginger person was found with a packet of Market Drayton gingerbread. This was held to be the magic potion responsible and officers of the King descended on Market Drayton. Originally they rode around the town looking for the witches who were casting spells on cornmeal to change it to gingerbread and change hair colour. When they discovered that most of the town was engaged in producing the substance they declared that the place was a threat to national security. An army of men-at-arms and angry residents of nearby towns soon surrounded it. The townsfolk had no choice but to stay inside the town walls with the supplies they had left and defend themselves as best they could.

The siege seems to have lasted about eight months. We cannot be certain because only the winners write histories and no one in Market Drayton could read and write at the time. What is known is that the army invested and undermined the walls. The defenders at first used the usual tactics of hurling rocks and boiling oil from the battlements but soon realised that there would always be more people outside the walls than inside them. They therefore decided to destroy the royal armies from within. Rather than drive them away they enticed the royal soldiers closer and then hurled sticky gingerbread onto their heads. Those without helmets were immediately butchered by their colleagues when they were seen with this evil substance on them and those with helmets were made to sleep outside the camp on their own and were picked off one by one by small Draytonians who had crept out through the mine tunnels created by the army. The king of the time was John who was never popular and always in need of troops beside him to ward off frequent threats of rebellion and invasion. As time went by he realised that his knights would be better employed protecting him from people who might kill him than witches who might turn his hair ginger. In the middle of the night as legend has it he withdrew his depleted army from the town. The Draytonians woke in the morning to find the siege lifted and began rounds of wild celebrations. The local landowners agreed with King John that his humiliating retreat was never to be mentioned again. Nevertheless the townsfolk produced the ever-popular armies of gingerbread men who quickly conquered the taste buds to remind the world of their outstanding feat.

Over the centuries people forgot about the siege and the reason for the gingerbread men. Right up until 2003 in fact. Then the first murmurings of a new conflict began to appear. This time however it would be the exact reverse of the first. Both enemy and cause were different. But once again the conflict would inevitably centre on Market Drayton.

In 2003 political correctness was in full swing. All the abusive words hurled at people of other races and colours and physical conditions were declared illegal. With one exception. It remained perfectly acceptable to abuse people with ginger hair. Indeed it became the last refuge for all those convicted of political incorrectness in the past. With all the usual targets removed bigots found sanctuary in calling ginger people names. Very quickly the country polarised into ginger and non-ginger or normal and deviant as the other side would have it. Gingers were understandably angry and looked around for a way to fight back. All gingers are tormented as children by the story of the homophagic Gingerbread Man with whom they are always compared. Where else would he come from but Market Drayton? Determined to remove this slur which had so damaged their lives gingers descended upon Market Drayton but were immediately arrested for travelling whilst confectionery. They were rightly outraged. A national S.O.S. went out and the second siege of Market Drayton began.

So it has remained to the present day. Market Drayton keeps taunting ginger people by producing its confection. The gingers continue to control all supply routes in and out of the town and operate martial law in the surrounding district. No one wants to admit this is happening because they cannot bear the thought that they are being beaten by the people they have mocked for so long. But being beaten they slowly are. Soon political correctness for all will wipe Market Drayton off the map altogether. Then the final triumph of the superior ginger-haired person will be brought ever nearer for the benefit of all mankind.

There is no reason to abuse someone for the colour of their hair. It is sad that the poor people of Market Drayton have to pay the price for the national refusal to behave justly. But it is only right that supposedly moral standards for one should apply to all. Gingers have been under siege for longer than their abusers would ever dare concede. It is a kind of justice when the home of the politically incorrect gingerbread man is being destroyed because those who could preserve it are in a state they would never dare admit.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home