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The Rest Of You Are Mad: The Modern Version For Modern Man

The Rest Of You Are Mad

Some unkind souls call this a humorous column. It does in fact demonstrate that I am the only sane person on earth and everyone else has something seriously wrong with them. I am afraid I cannot reply to comments by letter as we are not allowed sharp objects in here.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Modern Version For Modern Man

One of the literary phrases which has entered the common language is Grub Street. It describes the generality of hack writers who will pen words about anything for money. In the eighteenth century there really was a street called Grub Street in London where some of these half-starved verbal plodders lived. This disappeared from the map long ago. No one seems to have realised just how radical it was to replace Grub Street not with bricks and mortar but with its modern equivalent.

The virtual estate of Writer's Block was established by Robert Southey in 1827. Southey had by this time discarded his revolutionary past and become a hired literary drudge producing a stream of poems, articles, essays, novels, guide books and anything else someone would pay him for. As a classical scholar he was aware of Homer's claim that when someone cannot be contacted they are away dining with the blameless Ethiopians. As a writer always on call he often tried that excuse when he had not finished one of his interminable manuscripts. The publishers heard it once too often and in the racial atmosphere of the time Ethiopians could not be considered blameless by civilised white Englishmen. He therefore began to claim "writer's block". The phrase was new at the time and publishers assumed this meant some form of constipation caued by eating incorrectly declined verbs. Being too middle class to have constipation Southey therefore invented the virtual estate of writers living together in philanthropic harmony which bore a startling resemblance to the fantastical pantisocratic schemes he had dreamed up with Coleridge in their youth.

Originally Southey sought to actually create a block of houses near his home in Crosthwaite and invite writers to live in them. His wardenship of this project would explain his absence from his typewriter although the fact that this had not then been invented was also a plausible excuse. Being unable to buy any of the surrounding land Southey simply described his home and asked other writers to describe what the area around it and any houses built upon it should look like. Those who sent in the best descriptions were given plots of non-existent land exactly reflecting the descriptions given. These were joined together to create the overall picture of Writer's Block and numbered. The finished plan of Writer's Block was then despatched to the writers concerned so everyone knew what not only their own plot but every other one was like. The system worked well. Southey could relieve the pressure of deadlines by justly claiming he was overseeing the administration of Writer's Block. The other writers claimed they had essential business there which kept them away from work. The community thrived and expanded until everyone who wanted to be a serious writer could quote an address in Writer's Block under the Wardenship of Southey.

One of the reasons Southey got away with this was because he had been Poet Laureate since 1813 and his personal prestige had restored a lot of honour to the office and therefore to state institutions generally. There were many vested interests who were happy to encourage him. The original dream could not last however. In 1837 Writer's Block had formed a happy community of people who never met for ten years. Then King William IV died and was replaced by the young Queen Victoria. Nothing much was expected of the young Queen but she had other ideas. Like King John before her she wanted to make her mark by getting to know every inch of her new realm. As a student of the arts she was aware of Writer's Block and Southey himself excused his inability to travel to London to meet her with his duties there. None of those close to the Queen had the heart to tell her it was only a virtual community. The Queen insisted on visiting Writer's Block herself. Indeed she spread this desire abroad loudly. Some poor chamberlain had the thankless task of travelling to the Lake District to tell Southey that the Queen wanted to be shown around his wardenship and meet the other residents. Southey was gratified that his monarch like him could not see a joke. But soon panic set in and he frantically despatched letters to the other writers summoning them to build a real block in time for the Royal visit which would be three weeks hence.

When the Queen arrived Southey tried a ruse. Most of the writers had managed to join him and all were confident that they could embellish their descriptions of their abodes with a few fantasies about home life and visiting each other. Indeed they crammed together to make sure they all knew all about the published details of each plot. Therefore Southey invited the Queen to meet the writers in his own cottage and explained that the estate was not fit to visit at the present time as it had been flooded by Bassenthwaite Lake two days before. The Queen appeared to accept this. The writers however were so keen to impress that their florid descriptions of their fictitious homes aroused great interest in the Queen. She insisted on seeing them flooded or not. Southey excused himself and let his friend Cartilage accompany Her Majesty to where Writer's Block should have been. She quickly realised that there had never been any such place. But when Cartilage explained that their lives and careers depended on the existence of Writer's Block she was prepared to overlook the deception. Writer's Block would be allowed to stay but under strict conditions. All authors including the existing virtual inhabitants would have to apply to the Lord Chancellor for permission to live there. The number and identity of residents would be state controlled and admittance only allowed if a new applicant not only created a better description of the place than his predecessor in that plot but was prepared to invest funds in building works to ensure that no one else would be disappointed when they visited the colony.

So the system continued well into the twentieth century. The Lake District was happy because the funds invested by new inhabitants created the recreations of their descriptions which form that rich landscape today. Visitors flocked to the place looking for something authentic but happy to know that what they saw was man made and therefore a reflection of themselves. The few writers allowed to live in Writer's Block were still able to skive off work using the place as an excuse and the fact they were one of the exclusive band that could get away with doing so enhanced their stellar reputations still further. But state control also created deep unhappiness. The rest of us were not allowed to live in Writer's Block. If we were a day late with our writing no one would accept our excuses and the full force of the law was with those who excluded us. It was not so in the days of Southey. Then Writer's Block was actually owned by writers which is exactly as it should be as it was created out of their heads to begin with.

Although we all complain things are not all that gloomy nowadays. Two more recent events have alleviated the resentment we long felt towards the place. The first was when the Thatcher government privatised it. Although entry is still limited this is now controlled by rubber manufacturer Dunlop rather than the Lord Chancellor. The reason for the explosion in and permissive attitude towards pornographic fetish writing is not difficult to see. The second is the classification of the obsolete Warden's post as a lieutenancy by Labour Lord Chancellor Lord Irvine even though the management of the estate is undertaken by Dunlop. This post is now therefore an Office of Profit Under the Crown. When a Member of Parliament wishes to resign he need no longer be restricted to applying for Wardenship of the Chiltern Hundreds or the Manor of Northstead but can now apply to be Warden of Writer's Block. It will at least give the place greater official status. The fortunate few that can use the excuse will continue using it with public approval which may one day trickle down to the rest of us labouring in the Typehills of Lesser Verbiage.

Of course Writer's Block no longer needs to be a fictitious community. Thanks to the internet we now have such a thing as a real virtual community. People who have never met can join and be active members of it at will. The idea is attractive but must be met with stout resistance. As long as Writer's Block exists the rest of us can aspire to having excuses. Surely that is what we really want? The more senior we are the more we can get away with. This has always been a living reality regardless of political theory. We should all be glad that writers are honest enough to conduct their profession unashamadly according to this principle.

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