It's All Starting Again

Some sad soul wanted me to write about backgammon. Here is the first attempt.

Backgammon is played with dice. There is a reason for this. Take a look at them. Horrible ugly things they are. They are made out of a solid material which would hurt you if it fell on you. They have corners and right angles which are a threat to health and safety. Try going into an office and putting two dice on the floor. You are very likely to be sacked for wilfully endangering the safety of your fellow workers.

They are designed to destroy us. We have all seen it happen. We would all be world champions if these monsters did not conspire against us. We can make the most brilliant moves time and again only to be dashed by those evil creatures. ‘Lady Luck?’ She ain’t no lady to me. Maybe it is because she is supposed to be a lady that polite gentlemen let her get away with the things she inflicts on us through her twisted sexahedric slaves.

You have to leave a blot somewhere. It can be either behind five of your own points with the nearest enemy brick nine away. Or it could be on your six point with seven well distributed opposing bricks bearing down on you. Furthermore you have to separate your runners to make the riskier move. So you make the safe one. The dice say three and six. Four and five is no move but three and six is the end of your blot. You have 50% chance of re entering but take three rolls to hit the required numbers by which time you have a 33% chance and the point is not available anymore. The offending brick that removed your blot does the damage itself by filling a neat row of ten before you finally get your brick back on. Of course it is on the one. The last opposing brick breaches your five point phalanx just at that moment. Prime waiting to happen. Gammon city at the very least. Why you? What have they done? If Scotty from Star Trek played backgammon he would have different views about the laws of physics.

Most backgammon commentators tell you to learn how to make the best moves. By this they are implying that they can defeat the evil dice by their genius. Rubbish. There is only one way. It is truly said that the outcome of games between players of equal strength is ‘written in the stars’. Go to the dice making factory. There you will see seedy little men in wire specs jealously guarding scraps of paper. What are these? Banknotes? No. They are the dates of birth of the dice. Will they ever let you see them? No. Because if you knew them you could influence their movements. The sources of all evil are protected by the same faceless functionaries who give us the wrong weather and the wrong husbands and wives. Why do we need nuclear war when dice manufacturers operate in every corner of the globe?

Think about it. If the dice are Cancer they are happier being thrown sideways and will thus give a better result that way. Capricorns should bang against the edge of the board and Pisces come out in opposite directions. Young dice are affected by humming music which is either fashionable or not and old ones are set in their ways and roll the same numbers more often. Those born in the morning get tired and are less effective during night games whilst the opposite is true of those born after the 9 p.m. watershed. Indeed that is the real reason the watershed is at that time. There is little more pornographic than the moral obscenities of so called bad luck.

Still we play and try to conquer. We are barking up the wrong tree. Our dates and times of birth are matters of public record. Only by ensuring that the same applies to dice will we compete on equal terms. If that means an armed struggle then so be it. If George W. Bush wants to spend his time fighting wars on terror here at last is the appropriate target.